


A Templar's Task

by InannaAthanasia



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Alchemy, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Awkward Cullen, Bethany and Carver Hawke Live, Blood Magic, Carver Hawke Being an Asshole, Cullenlingus, Drug Use, F/M, Falling In Love, Forbidden Love, Hawke Doesn't Handle Being Champion Well, Hawke Has A Twin, Hawke Has Issues, Mages and Templars, Meredith Stanton Being a Bitch, OC Male Hawke Templar, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Sexy Cullen, Sweet Cullen Rutherford, Tags May Change, Templar Carver Hawke, Templars (Dragon Age), Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-02-04 05:18:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12763989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InannaAthanasia/pseuds/InannaAthanasia
Summary: Meredith has given her Knight-Captain an order that he cannot refuse. Tasked to get closer to the Champion of Kirkwall, an Apostate who as a savior to the city has escaped the Gallows. Something Meredith refuses to accept.Cullen fights his own demons but now is ordered to get close to the fiery mage he tries to avoid. Yet, each time she comes to the Gallows he finds himself longing for more than a casual conversation.Kadia Hawke has fought one battle after another & is losing a bit more of herself along the way. She hides her pain behind what others think is a confident ego, but no one knows how destructive she has become to herself.  When the Templar's come to drag her twin back to the Order & her sister to the circle, her baby brother decides to join up as well, yet due to the Viscount's insistence that she help with the Qunari, she is allowed to go free. Yet freedom also keeps her alone. Aching for love but afraid she will never find it, she accepts her fate no matter how much it breaks her heart.Two people who never hoped for love, now find their fates entwined & must decide if what they feel is strong enough to survive the war that is brewing in Kirkwall & Meredith's madness.





	1. The Order

**Author's Note:**

  * For [R2sMuse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/R2sMuse/gifts).



> Dedicated to the lovely R2sMuse who has made me love love this pairing!

When the Knight-Commander gave a Templar an order, it was unwise to argue, and yet Knight-Captain Cullen couldn't help himself. Yet even as he tried to argue, tried to talk her out of it even, he knew inside it was a mute point. Sometimes he wondered if the Maker himself could disagree with the woman and live to tell the story. Which is why he finally stopped and agreed to her instructions. Leaving her office, he headed toward his quarters wondering how he would achieve the task that now lay before him.

"Maker give me strength." He whispered into the night because he knew the truth was that anything that involved the Champion of Kirkwall was never easy and with the nature of this task, Maker, what was he to do?

Reaching his quarters, Cullen Began the process of removing his armor and with each piece removed he thought more about _her_ , the Champion and Apostate. Kadia Hawke was a firestorm and not because of her magic either. She had the strangest red hair he had ever seen with its coppery highlights that made her look as if her head was on fire when she spun around and a personality that from all accounts seem to match her wild locks. However, the one thing that stood out most to him was her strange turquoise eyes that had specks of an almost unnatural shade of bright green in them. He remembered her brother told him that some mages had strange eye coloring due to their magic being unstable at birth, but he wasn't sure if that was indeed the truth, but then again what mage had he ever looked at so closely before? No matter what he might try to reason otherwise, the truth was there was something about her that drew him to her. Something that made him want to know more about her, want to _know_ her. Maker, what was wrong with him? He knew he was being ridiculous with that train of thought, but he had to admit to himself, had to be honest, the Knight-Commanders orders sent a spark through him.

Crawling into bed, he closed his eyes and thought back on their brief conversation. A mere moment in time that would impact everything about him, everything about her. Closing his eyes he heard Meredith's voice once more.

"You are to get close to the Champion, intimately close to her. If she is indeed using bloodmagic, she is only doing so behind closed doors and as such beyond our reach, but you, if you were to gain her trust, get close to her and see for yourself what she does in her home away from prying eyes, we would have all we need to put her in the Gallows where she belongs."

Cullen had stood in shock, in fact, he probably had a doe-eyed look with his mouth open like he had just been struck as he let her words sink in. "Intimately close? Surely you're not suggesting I, or we, or-." He couldn't even get the words out of his mouth.

"Yes, I am. Many learn even the most guarded secrets during so-called pillow talk, especially if she thinks you love her and even defend her." Meredith smiled and for one moment Cullen thought she looked half crazed like some of his fellow Templar's believed.

"You can't expect me to, to, well you, Maker's breath." He felt his cheeks get warm and had no doubt he was blushing from his ears to his toes. "Fuck the Champion for information?" Good grief, did he actually word it like that? He shook his head, but before he could say more, she answered his rude comment with all the clarification he needed.

"That is exactly what I am telling you. You alone I trust in your duty to the Maker that if this is what needs to be done to show that woman should be locked away instead of roaming Hightown like she belongs there, then so be it. I expect to be updated soon, so attend to it quickly."

"How am I suppose to-"

"You're a pretty man Cullen, use your looks, your charm and play into her ego, lure her in and confirm she is indeed a bloodmage."

"And if she is not?" Cullen had to ask.

"Please, a mage doesn't rise to the power she has and not consort with demons."

He had stood for only a moment and as she waved her hand to dismiss him, he realized there was nothing else he could say or even do but leave and somehow come to terms with his task.

Which brought him back to ask himself what was he to do? Maker knew he had no real experience where women were concerned. He and a fellow Templar had a somewhat on again off again arrangement, he wasn't exactly ignorant about sex after all, but his duty to the Order and his mindset after the Blight had left him not pursuing anything more than a hookup here and there with a mutual friend who felt very much the same as he had about duty first and companionship to ease the loneliness when it got too much.

Now he was faced with something he never imagined (as if anyone ever could!) and somehow he had to suddenly get close to the woman he had truly been trying to stay away from. Which brought him back to her yet again. He knew much about her, after all her twin Kalen and younger brother Carver were Templar's whom he had spent a great deal of time talking too, but knowing much about her and knowing her was completely different. Groaning loudly, Cullen threaded his fingers through his hair and tried to relax, but sweet Andraste how could he? Sighing, he flipped over on his stomach and forced himself to sleep and right before he slipped into the Fade he could swear he saw turquoise eyes mocking him.


	2. The Game Starts

The Hanged Man was one of Kadia's favorite places to hang out and relax after another rough day. Since defeating the Qunari, it seemed everyone came to her with every request possible and all expected her to succeed where others could not. Yet for all her complaints, she was happy to stay busy and keep her from thinking too much about things that still wore heavily on her heart. To this day the failure to save her mother was the hardest and was at the top of the reason she spent much of her nights in the tavern. Going home to the home she shared with her mother was almost too painful to do.

So here she sat, playing cards with Isabela, Varric, Fenris and Anders trying to take her mind off the troubles brewing within this city. Some nights her twin Kalen would join them, but tonight he was on duty and would not be here. Just thinking about it made her think of her younger siblings as well. Maker did she ever miss them! Carver had joined the Templar's when they showed up at the estate to bring Kalen back for desertion and had intended to take Bethany and her to the circle, however since the Viscount insisted on her dealing with the Qunari, he had forbidden the Templar's from taking her. Even so, each time she went to the Gallows she would wonder if that would be the day she wouldn't be allowed to leave.

"Hawke, it's your turn." Anders' voice brought Kadia back from her thoughts.

"Sorry, I just have a few things on my mind." She smiled and threw in her coins.

"You know Hawke, I think I know what you need." Isabela leaned over towards her with a  smile. "Someone to steer your ship."

Hawke laughed. "Isabela, helping someone with their mast is hardly what I need." Isabela and she often joked with parallels about sailing. "Besides maybe I like steering my own ship." She winked and wiggled her eyebrows causing all at the table to laugh.

"You two are terrible you know." Varric loved moments like this when all the cares and heartaches of years passed were set aside and life was a bit happier.

"Perhaps terrible in words, but never terrible with the subject," Isabela added a saucy toss of her head and a wicked smile as well.

Everyone laughed, not paying attention to who was entering the tavern until the new visitor stopped at their table. Looking up, Hawke was shocked at who now stood beside her waiting to be acknowledged.

"Uh, Knight-Captain, can we help you?" Hawke thoughts instantly wondered if this was the day she would be taken, until she noticed his armor or lack of it. She had always thought Cullen was a handsome man, but seeing him out of his armor was truly a vision to feast on. He wore a lose deep red tunic that opened at the neck, tight black leggings showed off his muscular legs off to perfect along with his knee-high black boots. She also noted that it wasn't his armor that made him tall and broad shoulder, for he had an imposing form that was absolutely delicious looking.

"Hawke, please call me Cullen." He flashed a dazzling smile and Hawke didn't think he could be any more handsome, but seeing the large smile on his face she knew she was completely wrong. "Kalen has often mentioned all of you play cards and since I am free tonight, I thought I would see if I could possibly join you."

"Of course you can and you can come sit right next to me." Isabela patted the bench next to her and taking the seat, he now sat directly opposite Hawke.

Andraste's great flaming arse! Hawke exclaimed in her head. If she had trouble concentrating before, having the handsome devil right in front of her was going to make it impossible now. She watched as he took the cards Varric dealt him and leaning back in his chair he flashed a smirk that made her want to scream and truthfully kiss those lips until she was the one wearing the smile.

It was going to be a long night.


	3. Friendship

For several nights, Cullen had been joining Hawke and her friends in their nightly card game at the Hanged Man. He had found, much to his surprise, that he actually liked most of those amongst her group. Cullen had never been much for social gatherings, but somehow he had not only become at ease with them but perhaps was even becoming friends with some as well. The dwarf had many amusing tales, but he found some so outrageous he wasn't even sure how he could even tell them with a straight face, yet he always did. The former Elven slave was perhaps his favorite in her group with his similar views on magic and his reserved nature gave them the most common ground. The Pirate was something. She was certainly interesting and Maker knew she showed off her body every chance she could. The other night he had noticed her leaning over the table giving him a lovely view and when she caught him she had winked and blown him a kiss, causing him to blush horribly much to the amusement of the others. It also gave away his tell-tell sign for when he was nervous, rubbing the back of his neck.

The thing he found the most refreshing with her group was that even with the Elf's hatred of magic, the former Warden's hatred of Templars, that everyone found a common ground to stand on United. What he wouldn't give for such between the Chanty and Circle of Magi. The Templar's and Mages could learn much from this group. It wasn't hard to understand why so many turned to Hawke and her friends in these troubling times, her small group alone proved that peace could be found no matter how different personal views were.

However, perhaps that was more about Hawke herself than her group. There was something magnetic about her, something that drew others to her, drew him to her. She wasn't what many considered a typical beauty, with her odd hair and her strange eyes. Every part of her skin he had seen (so far) seemed to be covered in pale freckles that gave her almost a youthful charm. She was short and stocky, but it fit her well and Maker knew her curves were playing havoc with him. He had never been one for thin waif-like women and preferred soft curves against him. In fact, since Meredith set him on this task he found himself imagining what it would feel like to feel those lush curves against him, skin on skin. He always scolded himself for such thoughts. This was a mission for the Maker to determine if the Champion was a Bloodmage, but how could he not think about it either? In order to achieve his task he most likely at some point had to indeed be intimate with her and if so, was it so terrible if he enjoyed it?

"You're deep in thought today Cullen." Hearing Kalen's voice jolted Cullen from his thoughts. He had been spending more time with the Hawke Brothers in order to get closer to Kadia. While Carver treated him with the respect to be given to a superior officer, he seldom spoke of Kadia or Bethany and tried to keep the conversations professional. Kalen however, was another story and welcomed Cullen's friendship and was happy to tell him all sorts of things about the family and his siblings.

"Sorry, I have had a lot on my mind."

"Sure." Kalen mused and then impishly added, "You're just daydreaming about my Sister, right? That whole Mage Templar forbidden thing." Kalen winked when he saw Cullen blush and laughed. "I'm only teasing Cullen. Honestly, I am glad you have gotten to know her."

"You have?" Cullen was surprised at that.

"Of course I am, I mean you're my friend and if Meredith decides to go on a witch hunt, maybe you can help convince her my Sister is no evil Mage in need of a head tattoo." While the humor had dropped from his voice when he stated the last part, Kalen still wore a smile on his face. For the fact was, he knew it took everything the Vicount had to keep his Sister out of the Gallows and anyone who might help him continue that was a welcomed friend. Bethany had always been scared of her magic and once Kalen made sure a few Templar's who scared her stayed away, she found great comfort in the Circle and even more so when she was given duties to help the many children living there too. Kadia however, he knew would never survive as she had always been headstrong and confident. Her magic showed at an extremely young age and instead of being afraid she couldn't wait to be more like their Father. He had been her hero from practically birth and anything that bonded them closer she loved. For her, magic was fun and something that made her happy. Her pride in being a Mage like her Father had driven her to be the strongest and as skillful of a Mage as she could possibly be and pride never mixed well within the Circles.

"Thank you, Kalen." Cullen wasn't sure what else he should say, but the truth was what he knew about her so far said she was indeed a decent person who used magic to help as many people as possible. "I do not wish her any harm, I do mean it too. She seems to help as many as she can, regardless of Mage or not or even status. This city needs those who wish to help and as long as she does that, I see no reason to stop her." And he meant it too. Every day he saw reports of problems and every day he also saw reports where she had helped. The Knight-Commander might think it was all for show, to hide who she really was, but if that was the case she was certainly the best actress Thedas had ever seen.

"Tomorrow night we are having a small dinner at the estate, even Carver is coming and I was thinking you might want to come along too. I know you will say it's just family, but I know Kadia would love for you to come. She has been talking about you quite a bit lately." Kalen smirked before walking away.

Cullen agreed and knew he was grinning like a fool over what Kalen said. He knew it was ridiculous, but he couldn't lie that part of him suddenly felt like some teenage boy who found out the object of his affection was interested in him. Maker's breath, what was wrong with him? He had a mission to do, a mission that could impact the entire city if what Meredith thought was true.

"Focus Cullen," he told himself. "This is nigh the time for such trivial thoughts." Yet even as he told himself such the truth was that the idea Kadia might actually like him made his heart quicken.

Maker help him. 


	4. Things Change

The walk to Hightown was an awkward mess and Cullen wasn't sure what to do or say. It was obvious that Carver did not want to be there and worse after Kalen told Cullen to dress casually, Carver was in his armor. Right away Cullen could tell Kalen was irate with his younger Brother but by the time they were in Hightown it was a full out annoyance.

"You could have left the armor behind little Brother." Kalen finally told him.

"Why? Shouldn't a Templar be in armor when dealing with an Apostate?" He sneered.

"I should punch you and maybe knock some sense into your dense head. You wouldn't even be alive had it not been for Kadia. She was the only reason that Ogre didn't bash your skull in. Grow up Carver, the last thing this family or even the Templars need is an immature child pretending to be a grown-up."

"Don't talk to me like I am six Kalen." He huffed. He hated that his Brother was always defending her and even more so that it was in front of the Knight-Captain.

"Then don't act like you're four," Kalen replied.

"Why are you always sticking up for her? You joined the damn Templar's knowing your Father and Sister's were Apostates and never told anyone. They should have locked you up too!" He was yelling now but no longer cared.

"Because, just like the _Templar_ who you were named for, you ridiculous immature child, I knew Thedas was safe with them not being locked up. You seem to forget it was a Templar who allowed Father to leave Kirkwall with Mother."

Cullen was shocked. A Templar from Kirkwall had allowed one of his charges to leave? He wondered if Meredith knew, or perhaps she did which would explain her insanity overseeing Kadia locked up. Everyone was aware that there were Mages living in Kirkwall, but only Kadia was the one she was focused on. True, Kadia represented a Mage with power, but the Knight-Commander seemed focused on Kadia being a bloodmage and proving it to all of Kirkwall. It seemed too personal and this made sense.

"We're here, stupid child, try to not embarrass yourself in front of Cullen anymore than you already have," Kalen told Carver before knocking on the door and entering.

*****

Cullen knew he was staring when he entered the house but was unable to stop. He had never seen Hawke outside of armor, even at the Hangman she wore it and was always ready for a fight, but tonight that was not so. She wore her fiery hair loose and it tumbled down over her shoulders making it look every bit as wild as the color. Yet what really got to him was her clothing. She wore a short tight skirt that accented her wide hips perfectly (or perhaps terribly for his sanity!) and a tight shirt that was unbuttoned enough to show off her very large chest. Under her armor, he had no idea she was as busty as the pirate and if he was having a hard time not thinking about her shapely form before he certainly was now!

"Come on in guys, Orana is setting up the table now." Kadia slightly blushed when she noticed Cullen was looking at her. Maker that man was gorgeous and tonight even more so in what he wore. He had on a shimmering tunic that was an amber shade that made his honey eyes almost look like shining gold. His leather pants hugged his form and as he walked past her she was given a great view of a very shapely arse that was truly perfection. Kadia groan, especially when she saw Kalen laughing at her.

Heading to the dining room, Kalen hurried up and took a seat, knowing Carver would sit next to him and never next to Kadia, which put her right by Cullen. Sitting down and glaring at Kalen, Kadia turned to Cullen in hopes of sparking some conversation while their plates were set before them.

"So Cullen, Kalen tells me you have siblings as well?"

"Yes, three actually. Mia, the eldest, is the one I would say I am closest too, although it's been awhile since we last spoke."

"As if I could be so lucky," Carver grumbled. Kalen kicked his shin under the table, knowing exactly where the gap between the top of his boot and his chausses met. Earning him a yelp which he smiled sweetly at.

"Hopefully not as dysfunctionally messed up as we are," Kadia grumbled and blew as stray of copper hair from her eyes.

"Yes, well, I am afraid we are, to an extent. I just heard from her and I kind of forgot to mention I left Ferelden or that I was alive even," He blushed and rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm afraid I am not a very good Brother, I mean I love my siblings, but after the Blight, I was in a rather foul mood and just wanted to leave everything behind," Cullen was shocked at himself, he never spoke of family or the Blight for that matter, yet here he was telling her about himself.

"Have you always wanted to be a Templar? Kalen did, much to Mother's shock," She chuckled at her Brother's slight squirming. "Of course Father was very proud of him. One of his closest friends was a Templar, whom Carver is actually named after. He was proud his son wanted to join their rank and truth be told was happy to see another good man join them as well. He told me once if more good men and women joined the Templar's there would be less fighting between them and Mages."

"He is correct, too often we get people who have been harmed and betrayed by magic and want to lash out at Mages, I regret I was the same myself after the Blight. I came here angry and thinking Mages were less for it that they were unworthy of being treated fairly," He paused. Why am I telling her this he thought once more?

"Yes, I remember your speech when I found that recruit that was missing."

"Yes, I am afraid I was not a very open minded person then, thankfully I'd like to think I am more understanding and at the very least, more sympathetic," He blushed. "You had done what I could not and protected any more recruits from being harmed, I should have been a bit nicer to you."

"Well you paid well, so it wasn't like you blew us off or anything," She smiled.

"Maker knows every gold coin was worth it to get out of Uncle Gamlen's home," Kalen joined in.

"Oh Maker, don't remind me of living there. I swear Bear still has nightmares from it," Kadia laughed as the large dark Mabari grumbled at the mention of Gamlen's name.

"Mi'lady," Orana spoke quietly, "If you're done, I can bring out your dessert."

"That will be great Orana," She smiles and turned to Cullen,"It's a favorite of Mother's. It's an Orlesian dish, a warm chocolate that you dip fruits and such in to eat. It is delicious, in a good sinful kind of way," She smiled at him and Cullen felt his heart tug once more. Maker, she was beautiful! He hadn't noticed how plump her lips really were and had to mentally stop himself before throwing caution to the wind and kiss her. However, whatever thoughts he might have were dashed when Carver jumped up yelling.

"What kind of whore are you _Sister_ ," He sneered. "Trying to seduce the Knight-Captain in hopes of avoiding the Tower? Where you should be. I have had enough and do not ever expect me back." Carver turned and stalked to the door as Kadia ran off to her quarters in tears.

"Cullen, please check on her, please, I will go after my dimwitted Brother," Turning he ran after Carver who was already out the door.

Kadia was laying on her bed sobbing when Cullen made it to the door. He could hear her and part of him thought he should leave, but Kalen had asked him, so pushing the door open he walked into her sleeping chamber. He could see her on her bed, her hair falling wildly around her, but it was the tremor he noticed as she cried that made his heart clench for her and slowly walking in, he sat on the side of her bed. He hesitated before running his fingertips down her silky locks. Her hair felt like cool silk against his skin and he couldn't stop the slight sigh that slipped his lips. "Kadia," He murmured, "Please don't cry." He ran his knuckles down her arm and watched as she turned to him.

"Why are you here Cullen?"

"W-what do you mean?" He stammered.

He watched as she sat up and looked at him. Her eyes already puffy from her tears, she wrapped her arms tight around herself.

"Why are you here? I'm a Mage, an Apostate and you're the Knight-Captain. Why are you even here?"

Cullen thought for a moment. Why was he really there? Was it just because of Meredith's order? Was it because she was a Mage and needed to be watched? Or maybe because he considered Kalen a friend? He was quiet for a moment and then raised his hand to trace her cheek and wipe her tears away with his thumb and knew the truth of it.

"Because you are a good woman and it makes me sad to see you cry and hurt," He told her truthfully.

"No that can't be it. You're a Templar and I am an Apostate, you shouldn't be here unless it's to take me to the tower. So if that's not it, you should go."

"And if I don't want to go?" He smiled slightly and closing his eyes, he leaned in and kissed her.


	5. We Can't

Cullen's lips were much softer than she expected, in fact, they felt like silk caressing her. She would of never guess they would feel like they did, but it was when he began to nip at her lips, trying to deepen the kiss that she thought she might swoon for pure delight. She raised her hands to cup his face and for a moment forgot everything but the sensation of his lips and his tongue stroking hers. But everything must end and when he pulled back from her, just for a moment, she realized what she had done.

"Cullen, you," she took a deep breath and tried to steady herself before continuing. "You have to stop, this, this isn't right. You should leave." She turned her head and refused to look at his face. Maker, what was she thinking? She was kissing the Knight-Captain of all people!

"Kadia," He tried to turn her face to his once more."Please, don't send me away." He smiled and tried to kiss her once more, but she quickly stood and moved away from him.

"Please, you need to go." Cullen stood and tried once more to cup her face and draw her to him, but she refused to allow him to touch her.

"I'm sorry, the kiss-." He tried to explain but she just cut him off and asked once more for him to leave. Not wanting to argue, he did as she asked and left, even if everything in him was screaming to stay.

Leaving the estate, he began the trek back to the Gallows. Kissing her had been such a simple act, but it had changed everything for him. When he had first gone to the Hanged Man all those days ago he had been following the Knight-Commander's orders, but the moment he had looked into her eyes that were brimmed with tears, everything had changed forever for him. She had awoken something within him and he didn't truly understand it either, and in truth, it actually scared him a bit as well. All he knew was he didn't want to hurt her, in fact, the thought of him causing her any type of pain made his heart clench. He knew he was treading on dangerous ground, knew his response to her had nothing to do with anything the Knight-Commander might want and everything to do with what he himself felt, but there was no stopping the emotions that one kiss had flooded him with.

As he made his way to his quarters, he wondered if he should perhaps give her a few days before going to the Hanged Man, but then he wondered if he did so, she might think that he had just been using  a moment of emotional turmoil for her and it didn't mean anything more than that. The more he thought about it, the more he worried about what he should do, he didn't actually have much experience with women, well at least dealing with emotions and feelings. Sighing to himself, he stripped his armor and went to bed, knowing exactly what he would be dreaming of this night.

"Kadia," He whispered into the night, "Maker, please do not let her shut me out." He paused and thought about what his Mother taught him that there is no hiding what is in your heart before the Maker and added softly, "I think I am falling in love with you."


	6. Emotional Turmoil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning!!!
> 
> Hawke holds a lot of pain and guilt inside her and does not deal with it very well. She has some destructive habits and as such could trigger some people. I won't say more, so not to ruin it for those reading, but at the endnotes, I will explain why I chose this path for her. If you trigger from self-harm or drugs, please do not read this and skip to the notes below. It will tell you a summary of what she does and why I felt she does such too so you can continue to read the story.

Hearing the door close behind her Kadia dropped to the floor and cried. She had no idea how long she had been crying before it finally allowed her to think about what had happened. What had she done? Of course, she knew damn well what she had done, she had kissed a friggin Templar and even worse said Templar was the Knight-Captain of Kirkwall! Maker damn her for her stupidity. Of course what really bothered her was the fact that every fiber within her wanted to run and catch him before he made it out of Hightown and bring him back to her home, her room, oh Maker be damn her bed!

Getting up finally she walked across her room to the chest she kept on her desk. Pulling the key from around her neck she opened the lock. Looking down she frowned at its contents but knew her own disgust at herself for her own weaknesses would not stop her from pulling the small bottle from its velvet pouch. Going to the small table next to her bed, she poured herself a large glass of amber wine before adding a few drops from the small bottle. Swishing it around in the glass she put the bottle back into its pouch and locked the box before walking beside the bed and setting it down for only a moment, she undressed before sliding into the satiny bedsheets. 

Picking up the glass she swallowed the bitter liquid in two large gulps and waited for the feeling of pure worry-free bliss to come. After a few minutes, she laid on her bed motionlessly and slowly felt the numbness spreading through her. "I'm sorry Mother," She whispered knowing her Mother would be disappointed with her using such drugs, but because of her own weakness she had failed to save the woman who had once called her Kirkwall's Hero who saved everyone. Tears ran down her cheeks as her grief was so strong even the drugs refused to hold it in check this time.

There she was, Kirkwall's mighty Champion, laying in bed, drugged out and crying like a child. If it wasn't bad enough the urge she felt to do more had been gnawing away at her since the night her Mother died. It had started as a child and only her Mother had known her secret pain release at first. When her magic first came in she was very young compared to many mages and unlike those children, she had been thrilled. Anything that made her more like her Father made her happy for he was her knight on a pedestal no one else could ever touch. However, within the first year, she pushed herself harder than ever asked and when she couldn't master something quick enough she sunk into a deep depression imagining her Father's unhappiness that she felt he would feel inside. She hadn't really remembered the first time she had cut herself, but Carver had seen her and told their Mother she has doing bloodmagic. She hadn't of course and her Mother knew it too, for she told Kadia her closest friend growing up did the same thing when she felt the pressure her parents heaped on her to make a marriage that would bring them the power they craved.

When her Father found out, he asked her why she did such and when she had cried out her pain he had held her and told her how wrong she was and how much pride he felt every time he saw her. He did, however, tell her she must not do such, for many, like her Brother, might think she was indeed a bloodmage when she was not. So she never did again, but now, now when so much was heaped on her shoulders when so many looked to her for answers, she wanted nothing more than to take her drugs and carve her failures into her skin to remind her of every life she hadn't saved.

Reaching into the drawer next to her bed she pulled out the small ivory handled dagger that once was her Father's. He wore it in his boot, just in case his magic wasn't enough to protect him or his family. Pulling the blade from its scabbard, she stared at it for what seem to be hours before dragging it across her skin in a large "X" over her heart. "I will not feel, I will not be weak, I will harden my heart," She cried out and then pushing it deeper into her skin she whispered the phase stored so deep in her heart it tore her soul to shreds, "I will not love the Knight-Captain!" She sat up sobbing as the blood dripped down her skin. "Maker, please, Andraste, anyone, please deaden my heart, I can not love him!"

She sobbed until she finally laid down and fell asleep, knowing her dreams would be as they had been since all those years ago when she had crossed path with the Knight-Captain on the wounded coast. She would dream of warm amber eyes and now softer than velvet lips that told her how much he loved her and like every night she dreamed of him, she would wake to cry and cursing her heart for the one thing she knew she could never have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While most video games set you up to be the hero, not all people would be like that. Many would feel as if the pressure to be the "Champion" would be overwhelming. Kadia is that kind of Hawke. She feels the deaths she could not prevent, especially her Mother's as a noose dragging her under. As such, she tries to feel numb and for a few moments no weight, no guilt and just a blur of nothing. She spikes her wine with a narcotic and when the pressure gets really bad she cuts herself, which she knows is dangerous since as a mage people would assume she is a bloodmage. She hasn't for a long time, but after the kiss with Cullen and knowing her heart is desperate for him and thinking such is wrong, she has a moment of weakness and does just that.   
> It's not that I want Hawke a mess, nor do I want to show her as a druggy because she is not. She is just a woman who is depressed, who feels every mistake deep inside her and is afraid to let anyone else see that she is only human and not the unstoppable Champion that those in Kirkwall seem to believe she is.  
> I hope you will understand why I have her like this and as someone who suffers from chronic depression and PTSD, I know the mind can be our worse enemy and sometimes we have to hit the bottom before you can see your way out.


	7. A Templar's Will

Kalen tended to not get involved in his Sister's affairs as much as he could. It wasn't that he didn't care, in fact, if anything he cared more than most siblings did, but he knew that as a Templar the more he wasn't in her life the less chance Meredith could use him against his Sister. So there he sat trying his hardest not to get too involved in her life and knowing it wasn't going to happen.

The night after the disastrous dinner with Carver once more showing what an idiot he truly was, he noticed a change in both Cullen and Kadia. Cullen seemed to try anything he could to not speak about her while in fact talking about her quite a bit. He also saw that after that night, Kadia claimed to be to "tired" to play cards and was avoiding the Hangedman and Cullen was there each night and tried hard (and failed!) to hide the disappointment in her not being there. When he decided to check on her, he found her refusing to speak about Cullen even casually and in fact was going to great length's to avoid his name. After a few days, Kalen came to the conclusion that something had happened between them that night. Something that had to do more with feelings than a simple person checking to make sure one was not to upset over a fight with their Brother.

So there he sat wondering how to find out what had happened and finally after noticing the dark rings under eyes from either not sleeping, crying or hell even both, he was going to have to point blank ask what was going on. However, he found his plans interrupted when the former Templar Samson appeared in the Gallows asking for the Knight-Captain to come to the wounded coast and it concerned Ser Thrask and bloodmages. Not even asking Cullen if he could accompany him, Kalen also learned that Carver was missing.

Normally a trek that was such a short trip from Kirkwall would see them walking, Kalen wasted no time in rushing to the stables to grab a horse for both Cullen and him. He would get there before anything happen to Carver or Kadia (because what in this town didn't involve her?) whether the others followed or not. Oddly enough, Cullen seemed just as worried which made him once more to remind himself to speak with him and find out exactly what _did_ happen that night at the Estate.

By the time both men arrived, Kadia was covered in blood, Ser Thrask and the mage Grace were dead and Carver was once again being a spoiled shit over Kadia saving his life. Maker help him, would his Brother ever see the truth? The area also was littered with corpses of abominations and members from both Templars and mages.

Rushing to Kadia he grabbed her by the shoulders and made her look up and into his face. She was sobbing and telling them Grace used bloodmagic to bind Carver and that even in the light of saving her Brother, she couldn't do and the lad Alan instead had to do the needed spell. She was begging him not to see Alan hurt, for had he not done so Carver would have never woken up again. Kalen tried to calm her and tell her he would make sure none would harm the boy for saving a Templar, but she just couldn't seem to grasp what was being said to her. It was at that moment the Champion of Kirkwall passed out.

With the others of their order arriving, Cullen instructed his second to clean up the area and he and Kalen would see Carver and the Champion back to Kirkwall. It was then that her companions, mainly the mage Anders, demanded to know where he was taking Kadia. Finally losing his cool, Kalen shouted. "Back to Hightown you idiot and do not get in my way either, or you will be escorted somewhere else!" Turning to Cullen, Kalen told him to take Kadia and he would help Carver. Kalen towered over Cullen and he knew he would have a much easier time wrestling his Brother's weight on a horse than Cullen would.

As they made their way back, to the city, Cullen spent time looking at Kadia who still laid unconscious in his arms. Even with the gore of the battle still on her, she was still one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. Once more he wondered if she had as many freckles on her body as she did on her face. It was like paint had been splattered on her face and the reckless woman had left them there instead of washing them away. Which made him ask himself once more if he would ever get a chance to see or not. He wanted to believe that this last week had cooled his desire for the fiery mage, but if it had done anything, it only made him burn for her even more. He remembered his Mom once telling him that absence made the heart grow fonder and he had scoffed at the idea then, but now? Now everything had changed. He didn't give the arse end of a demon if it was true or not for others, but for him, yes it certainly applied for he spent the majority of the week thinking about her every moment he was awake and every night dreaming about their kiss and more.

"Cullen, take Kadia to the estate and stay with her. I'll get Carver to the Gallows and make sure he is OK, plus talk to the Knight-Commander and let her know what happened to Ser Thrask and make sure Alan is not punished for aiding Carver. "Not waiting for a response he turned away from him and headed toward the Gallows, calling over his shoulder he also told him to send the horse with a runner once they got to Hightown.

                                          *******************************************************************************

When Orana lead Cullen inside he hurried past the startled elf and the two dwarf's to Kadia's room, calling over his shoulder for hot water and towels. By the time Orana and Bodahn got the items asked for Cullen was already busy removing Kadia's armor. Orana tried to get him to leave the room and she would take care of her lady, but after Cullen growled and told her to leave and none except her Brother would be allowed in this room, all not wanting to push the man any further retreated through the door.

As he began undressing her, Cullen was unsure of how far to go and decided to leave her in the tight thin linen pants and sleeveless top she wore under he armor. While he couldn't deny a part of him wanted to see all of her, he felt it was wrong to completely undress her while she was unconscious and was violating her privacy. Besides, if one day he could be given the chance to see what she actually looked like, he wanted her to be awake and desiring him as much as he did her.

Pushing such thoughts out of his mind, he instead focused on cleaning her face, hair and anything else he could find of the blood and gore of the battle. Once done he realized she was breathing evenly and her features even relaxed indicating she was simply sleeping. Leaving the room long enough to ask for something to drink and eat, Cullen began pulling off his outer armor till he wore only his leathers before sitting down on the side of the bed to watch her while eating. Soon he realized the weight of the day coupled with excellent wine and the warmth from the fireplace was making him nod off, swinging his feet up on the bed, he closed his eyes and allowed himself to drift off to sleep.

Kalen was furious as he made his way to Hightown. Once more his idiot Brother condemned his Sister instead of thanking her for saving his sorry arse. Finally losing what little patience he had left, but not before telling him that the next time someone was bent on killing him he would stop Kadia and just let the idiot die. Not that he wished his Brother's death, Maker knew they had lost enough of their family already, but he was tired of the constant ire and complete lack of gratitude his sibling had for their Sister.

As Kalen made his way to his Sister's chambers there are many things he imagined he would see upon opening the door, however, none of them included his Sister sleeping snuggly against Cullen's bare chest with their limbs tangled together and Cullen's face buried into her hair. Turning around, he walked out of the room to wait in the Library deciding he would wait until they were awake to find out what in the Maker's name was going on.

As he fixed himself a glass of brandy, he tried to process what he saw and the multitude of questions running through his head. When had this started? Why hadn't either said anything to him? In the end, however, there was only one thing that worried him more than anything else. DId Meredith know and if not, what would happen when she found out?


	8. Desire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning  
> Cullen and Kadia wake up and let's face it, what woman would say no to a half-naked Cullen in her arms wanting to sleep with them? Kalen is in for a bit of a wait ;)

Cullen slowly woke up to the best feeling in the world, holding someone in his arms. While a fellow Templar and he had sex occasionally, never once had they shared a bed to sleep in. Waking up with Kadia wrapped up in his arms, his face buried in her hair had to be the most amazing moment in his life. Never had he felt so at peace and for the first time since the Blight he had no nightmares as well. Nuzzling her hair, he smiled at the small grunt she made as she snuggled closer to him. Pulling back a little, he kissed her forehead while running his hands up and down her back. Kissing down the side of her face, he raised up some and began to kiss and nuzzle at her neck before going back up to her ear and nipping it. 

Kadia opened her eyes not sure if t was a dream or not. She could feel the strong muscles beneath her hands move as the light nips and kisses became needier. Pulling back some from the man holding and caressing her, she locked eyes with those warm honey brown ones that had haunted her for years now. "Is this a dream?" She whispered before frowning and then said, "I don't care," and met his kiss with equal passion.

Cullen groaned into the kiss and when he felt her little-pointed tongue licked his lips, begging for entrance he thought he might damn well die on the spot. Groaning as her tongue tangled with his, he pulled her even tighter against him and rolled his hips, letting her feel exactly what effect she was having on him. Maker did he want her, or should he admit to himself that it was more needed her? That thought jolted through him like electricity. The Knight-Captain of Kirkwall needed an apostate? Maker forgive him, but it was true. He needed this woman in his life, he needed her to love him as desperately as he did her.

He pulled back his face to look at her once more and felt his heart stop at the sight she made in his arms. Her eyes still closed, her cheeks flushed, hair as wild as ever, but it was her lips that he focused on. Slightly swollen from all their passionate kisses, they were slightly parted and then curved into a sinful smile before she opened her eyes to him.

"Cullen," She breathed his name, "Is it truly you? Or am I only dreaming once more? You have haunted my dreams for years." She sighed and leaned in and nipped delicately at his chin, laughing at the feel of his unshaven chin against her lips.

"It is me, love," He finally admitted, "exactly where I was born to be, with you."

Kadia pulled back and looked at him, studying his features and the sincerity in his eyes. Maker's breath, he actually meant it! Or he was a fantastic liar, but then she didn't think he seemed the type to lie often or even at all for that matter.

"Cullen," She paused and tried to think of all the reasons they  should not be together (especially in bed!) but found those reasons she had the first time they kissed seemed to abandoned her mind and all that she could muster was a simple question, "Are you sure?"

He smiled that deep smile that reached all the ways to his eyes and simply said, "Yes."

He often imagined that should he ever fall in love that the first time they slept together it would be romantic, all night and tender, but then after the Blight, he had given up such notions as love up. Now he found himself in love and in bed and instead of the slow romantic ideas he had as a youth, it was a frenzy of clothes pulling, mouths kissing and half-dressed passion consuming sex.

Kadia knew that even in her craze of sex-driven need, not to take her shirt off since she still had the fresh scars from her last weaken moment and it would cause either one of two things to happen, either he would think she was a maleficar and haul her to the Gallows or recognize it as what she truly was, a messed up weak women who used unhealthy practices to cope with the pain she couldn't carry and neither option would allow the moment to continue, so instead she laughed and swatted his hands away while pulling his naked, Maker be damn sinfully perfect, body on hers.

It wasn't as if Cullen was a virgin, Maker knew him and his fellow Templar slept together regularly, but he couldn't stop the tremor running through his whole body as he slid between her milky thighs. Kissing her neck, then what swell of her breasts was exposed, he lowered himself down to where he could kiss her belly and waist, before chuckling. She looked up and arched a brow, as he told her he had often wondered if she was indeed covered with as many freckles on her body as she had on her face. Tossing her head and snorting, she had intended to respond, but all words left her as he took that moment to run one long lick along her already soaked center.

"Maker!" She moaned as he proceeds to do so again and again until he parted her lips and reached her center. "Andraste's flaming arse Cullen!"

Cullen felt drunk on the desire coursing through him at that moment, it's not as if he expected her not to taste good, but he never expected her to taste _this_ good and Maker, the sounds she was making were heaven to his ears! She was so responsive, every swipe of his tongue, every point he sucked, she responded with new sounds making him wonder what she would sound like when he was finally able to sink himself deep inside her. With that thought came an uncontrollable need to be in her and when she blurted out for him to take her already, well he figured he would have many, many more times to explore every inch of her later.

Yet, even with that, with him now poised between her legs and his tip already teasing her opening, he still had to ask, had to be sure she truly wanted him in this sense. "Kadia, sweet Kadia, are you sure love? Sure about this, us?"

She blinked her eyes at him. Was he seriously asking this? After he brought her to the brink of bliss, as she could _feel_ him twitching against her, he was asking this? Maker, was he insane? Instead of answering him, she wrapped her legs snug around his trim hips and impaled him into her sheath. She thought she heard him moan, maybe call out the Maker's name or even Andraste for that matter, but all she could do was moan and gasp at the tight fit he made inside her and once her breathing calmed for a moment she could feel him _twitch_.

"Sweet Maker!", Cullen was having a hard time focusing on anything but her body clenching around him. In fact, he had to focus on breathing, focus on calming himself and cursed himself for reacting like some virginal teen worried about finishing before they even started.

"Cullen, move!" Her voice brought him back and slowly he pulled out and with a snap of his hips he was right back in, pushing farther and harder than the stroke before. Trying hard to keep himself in check, but watching her as she hissed and arched her back, seeing her throw her head back and groan, all of it was doing him end. If he had any chance of holding on until she found her release he was going to have to do something, so thrusting his hand down between their bodies, he found her swollen nub and began rubbing it in time with his thrusts.

Kadia couldn't focus on anything but the pressure rising in her gut as he set her body on fire with his deep thrusts and rough swipes against her clit, he was in total control and Maker did it ever feel so good. This is what she craved, someone else being in control and her just a passenger able to enjoy blissful passion. He was so tender with his thumb stroking her cheekbone while his eyes held hers and yet so strong as he pushed her closer to bliss. It was then that her mind went blank and she closed her eyes as her body arched against him and was swept up in a storm of emotions as her body shattered.

Cullen growled deep in his throat as he felt her body milking him toward his own release. Bringing his hand up to her shoulder, he began pounding into her as hard as he could through her release, extending the bliss she was feeling as long as he could until he could no longer hold back and flooded her with his passion. When he finally stopped moving, finally found his breath, he held her tight to him and when her eyes finally opened, he smiled and told her the words that had been gnawing away at him, "I love you.", and when she told him the same, she swore his honey brown eyes had tears in them.

Kissing for what seemed hours, Cullen finally admitted he was hungry and desperately needed some wine. Laughing and teasing him about sating all his appetites, both pulled on their discarded breeches and hand in hand headed down to the kitchens. It was at this time that they never noticed the figure standing in the library's doorway until they heard the voice they both knew so well.

"So, I guess taking care of my Sister has a whole new meaning now." 


	9. Caught

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I am working on another writing project too and it has been taking all my free time! I hope you enjoy this latest chapter.

Cullen spent the next hour listening to Kadia and Kalen argue back and forth in the other room. He felt terrible not being in there to defend her but had respected her wishes that this was something the siblings needed to work through on their own.

Sitting there, however, made him also think about the recent events and his orders from Meredith. She had told him to get close to Kadia, told him to basically bed her and use it to find evidence of blood magic, but that was far from why he was really there. In fact, he realized, it had nothing to do with it. The truth was, he felt for her, he cared about her and he was falling in _love_ with her. Although truthfully, he had fallen years ago, it was only recently he could admit it to himself. Maker, the Knight-Captain of Kirkwall, a Circle known for its harsh treatment with Mages, was in love with an Apostate! What was he to do? He knew a few Templars who had some _encounters_ with Mages, Ser Jacyn was a close friend who often enjoyed a few moments with a pretty maid here and there, but even with that being said, he also told him that he steeled his heart and kept it free from emotions, for should he ever be called to strike down a lady he knew carnally to follow the laws of the Chantry and Templar Order, he would do so without hesitation.

Kadia and he were now lovers, more or less, and when he asked himself if he could do the same he realized the answer would indeed be no. Maker, what was he to do? Never had his devotion to the Order had been questioned. Never had he for one moment had he encountered in all his years a situation he would defy his Knight-Commander over, and yet here he was and now facing just that. He could never betray Kadia, yet if he learned she was indeed a maleficar, what then? He shook his head, no, there was no chance she was a blood mage. Kadia would never turn to such things, Kalen would never hide such things either. _She refused to take off all her clothing during sex._ The thought came out of nowhere and slammed into with enough force to stagger his breath. Was she hiding wounds from her dark practices? Or had she been just as she seemed, overly eager to have sex that she didn't care? He wanted to believe it was later, but he realized his conscious would never stop until he knew for sure, which meant they would have to sleep together again. Maker, what was he to do? He wasn't so stupid to not realize the more times he was intimate with her the harder it would be to put duty first regardless of what she was or was not. Cullen hung his head in his hands and leaned back, Maker, what a mess.

Not paying attention to his surroundings, he slightly jumped when he felt cool fingers slide against his scalp and a silky voice ask if he were alright. Jumping up he stood to face both Hawke twins and blushed at the smile Kadia wore on her face. Good grief she was beautiful!

"Alright, I have said my peace," Kalen spoke, "and leave the two of you to figure this out."

"Kalen-," Cullen tried to speak.

"Cullen, please," Kalen stopped him, "I know you're a good man and I want to believe you care for her and not doing this for some hideous plan of Meredith's, but this is my Sister for Maker's sake. I just," he paused and walked up close to Cullen, forcing him to look up into his eyes, "you hurt her and the Templar's be damned I will end you." Walking away without waiting for an answer, Kalen left.

Cullen felt himself blush. Hideous plan of Meredith's Kalen had said and wasn't that exactly why he was there? No, damnation, Cullen swore to himself, no, I am here because I love this woman he realized and the Maker could stroke him down for it too, but looking at her tear-rimmed eyes just this moment he realized something else too. Meredith could rain down all the hellfire within her and he would not betray Kadia. He saw her open her mouth to speak and instead grabbed her and kissed her with all he was.

"Cullen," Kadia pulled from his overly tight embrace, "Are you OK?"

"Yes, yes I am," he smiled and then picking her up he carried her back upstairs to her room. Yes, they had much to discuss, but right now, he needed to be with her, show her his love and somehow make peace within himself that loving this woman would not require him to take a side that put him against his fellow Templars, no matter how naive it was to do so or not.


End file.
